The White Current (Srida Ki’Sro – SWG)
I thought it was a dream.
It always seems to be that way when the Current carries me away. I don’t think I ever took the time to differentiate the Current from my dreams. The Fool could’ve told me such a thing, I would’ve listened. He has the wisdom of the Mind and sometimes I think they are the same.
Sometimes I think I know they are the same. An old poster given to me by the Mind supports it.
He asked me to hide the Library after a ridiculous stunt to save a lost soul from the grasps of the Dark Side. I couldn’t hide my fear when I learned he was missing. My Mind, I thought I would lose him without ever telling him the words that seemed to fail me. But why have they always failed me? I’m left to believe now that I’m lost in this energy that maybe I was only projecting my own lonliness. The Library can be like that… lonley.
What remains is this, I love the Mind, I love the Fool and I love them both.
In my dreams they have found their completion with me. I see half breed children running safetly around the Library complex. I know they are mine, the Lekku portrays that but who’s the father of these brats? I don’t question that could only be a dream in the end.
I had to leave once I had hid the Library from the untrained, vigilant eyes of the Universe. I had to dream without questioning. I had to learn exactly how to control what I had become. A Fallanassi.
I traveled to Kashyyyk with the Colonel to meet my Aunt Shavi. He knew as I knew that my only option to reach J’t’pan in safety was to travel alongside her as an entertainer with less than standard morals. We had traveled together as vagabond performers before and the Imperial Garrison on Lucazec seemed more than happy to host a pair of female twi’lek entertainers for the evening. Even going to the extent of hiring the ‘ugly’ one to travel to J’t’pan for the troops stationed there.
I think my bhurka made me the ugly one.
I still find it strange how they only know of the Temple ruins beyond the jungle when hundreds of H’kig monks and Fallanassi make their homes within the Illusion that protects the Temple of Eternal Light.
I had no fear as I boarded the transport that the Imperials would discover my true identity. The Current would not fail me and the Ghorfa bhurka isn’t what one would call flattering to anyone but a Ghorfa. They seem to have considered me to be nothing but what I had wished them to see, a vagrant. I doubt any of them believed that I was the Tusken who’s robes I wore.
I had no idea at that time that I would not make it to J’t’pan. As I said, I thought it was all a dream.
I don’t feel the need to explain it all from the beginning. I’ve spent enough time explaining my actions to myself in these silly confessionals of mine.
I do, however need to explain that I am torn. At this moment when I know my body is gone from me in the energy I have become within the Current that moves my conscienceness with a mere thought, that I have two paths before me.
I see two lights at the end. Neither path seems to be mutually exclusive. One path is the twin brothers, this portrait of the Mind looking much like the Fool paves the way. The other, two travellers. I have no image to pave their road. Only the remenants of the polished stones that adorn my veil.
The image lingers in what I think would be my mind in this Current, offering answers as to why I am here and singing mischieviously that only when I understand will I be free.
I don’t mean to sound dumb, but I don’t get it. I wish the Fool was here.
That bloody dream…
I saw him, he being a blind Zabrak mystic I know only as Tash Tego, in my dreams dancing before a fire. At first I believed my mind to be manipulating my unconscious desires into some form of odd erotica as I watched him dance in his loincloth but as the words filtered through the synapses of my lekku I realized exactly how wrong I was. He was trying to protect me. I warned him not to.
The flames arose like the explosions I had once conducted along the streets of Moenia during the Imperial takeover. My meditative sleep began to energize me. I felt the waves of the Current as I had never felt them before. My chest tightened as I lost the feeling in my body.
I remember having read about Fallanassi that had lost themselves into the Current. I knew what was happening.
My last physical memory was watching a Stormtrooper turn to face me on the transport to J’t’pan.
I was gone by the time he was able to focus on my position.
I thought it was only a dream.
I remember little after that besides being free. I had read that all emotion would leave you once you dipped entirely into the Current… I was pushed and my emotion followed me.
My first stable memory in this state was finding myself at the Library, watching the Mind as he slept fitfully at his desk.
I remember when I first came to this place he had offered me the sanctuary of his own private quarters. I read more into it than he had meant, he immediately corrected himself explaining that he hadn’t found his way to his own bed to sleep in decades.
I had never meant to disturb him. Even now when I could still feel the awkward desire we both fought the hours before I left. I hate him for betraying himself in that moment.
I refused to disturb him even though I knew he must’ve known what had happened to me by now. I could only bring myself to watch fighting my desire to reach out to him. He had been writing a message to me, the typed words scrawled across the data terminal in a message relaying to me the fact that my brother, Nasaan, had been found dead.
My emotion would not allow me to cry out in the pain I felt. My Nasaan was gone. My brother, my companion, my other half and my better conscience. When I saw him that last time, I knew it would in fact be the last. I failed my mother. I failed my father. I failed my clan and my family. I failed my city. I failed myself. Nasaan is dead.
I knew how it pained him to even write what he had. The Mind always avoided giving me ill news knowing the fragility of my soul.
I would survive this. The White Current carried me away when it felt me losing my grasp.
With a breeze of thought I found myself looking over the hills of Endor, in the distance I could see the scattered logs and telltale signs of construction upon the small Ewok Tree Village in the distance. I knew the handiwork from my dreams, from the broken comms that said so little and meant so much. I knew they were here. As the names passed my mind I could see them before me in their shared dwelling, sleeping peacefully on mats at opposite ends.
I could not bring myself to look at Legbur’s bare face. He slept peacefully. I felt his energy, heavy like the Moenia humidity.
And Tash… fitfully sleeping much like the Mind. I watched him sleep, wondering exactly how much his blind eyes saw. Could he see me for what I was. Could my eyes penetrate his mind and burn their memory there. I saw him dance. What had he done to me?
I could not bring myself to leave them knowing that the Current would have it’s way regardless of my desire to stay, to speak, to feel to assist them. But they pulled me.
I didn’t know if the Curret was trying to teach me or claim me for itself. I wonder how I’ll regain my body. Will I ever see my own hands again? Will I ever feel a physical touch again? Or was I lost?
I doubt the Mind now, I doubt the Fool. I even doubt myself. Could they overcome the protection this mystic pushed me into? Or was I at his mercy?
I need guidance to bring me home. The lights at the end grow dim, I know when they go out I will remain with the Current. Some Fallanassi believe that only when you can delve this far and bring yourself back are you a true Fallanassi. Maybe that is true, but as all Jedi lore states, it takes two.
I must find a tie to reality to guide me. But who will offer their hand with the strentgh and desire to bring me back?
Who is it that illuminates this path?
I understand that. I understand it all now.
Bring me home. I refuse to become nothing but a mass of energy just yet. I still want to live. I want to love. I want to watch the Empire fold into it’s own destruction.
I want to live beyond the simple pleasures I found within the Library and in the arms of the husband I once thought would never betray me. Never use me.
I wish the Colonel was here. What would his Wookiee wisdom say about this?
Maybe only the Fool knows what it will take.
Maybe it can only be undone by this blind mystic.
Maybe my key is my completion. But completion isn’t found by ones self.
The White Current won’t allow me to scream.